All around me I noticed relationships ending, and in the sweep of this change, my deepest fear was that I didn't know how to look after myself. What a strange feeling for a mum, a wife, a grown woman in her 30’s. I was filled with anxiety and was constantly crying; I was freaking out, I was so confused, I was thinking this must mean my marriage was ending. My life felt turbulent + I didn't know where to land. But in the chaos, there was a calm moment, a piece of clarity like blue sky poking through storm clouds.
I realised ….. I was mourning.
I was mourning the girl in me, this me I had always known, had always been, was dying.
The life I had lived so far was ending.
I was transitioning.
I was shedding my skin.
I was leaving behind the maiden and becoming a woman.
I could no longer live in the shadows of myself, I couldn't be ‘nice’ and ‘likeable’ and ‘good’ anymore.
There is a deep DEEP, dark depth inside of me.
She is fierce and strong and powerful.
She is sensual,
She is beautiful magic.
She started weaving her way into my life, coaxing me deeper with subtle slow dances in the kitchen to my favourite song. She was pouring into me, like thick, lush honey.
This feeling was bringing me alive, so I kept tuning in and recreating this feeling, I allowed my self to receive this energy, this rawness of me. I was exploring hidden parts of me, I was remembering.
The more I attuned to it, the deeper + stronger it grew, spreading its rich, thick goodness up through my core.
A primal fire, setting my deep soul alight.
I had felt patterns + beliefs hanging in the air like a smoky haze, with a grittiness that was chaffing against my expanding self, calling my attention to recalibrate and shift my programming to be aligned to my soul's truth, instead of an expectation that I had connected into as a child.
This came to my attention when I was noticing my relationship with my husband, I was still sexually relating to him from my 16 year old self. My attractiveness was based on how I looked, how well I could ‘turn him on’, it was all performative and while I valued the surface attraction of it, it wasn't the depth I was now yearning for. The dark goddess woman in me wanted to be met and expressed.
This, this deep, dark deliciousness, is woman.
EMBODYING this magic is pure, it can destroy and heal and transform and birth soul CREATIONS. It takes me to depths of myself I didn't even know existed, with such FUCKING pleasure it's insane. It's also scary AF, because it's different to what I know.
AND it has given me a strength in myself I can hardly explain.
This is my soul weaving enchantment.
This is beautiful magic.
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